Up to this point, death is only an event that came too abruptly. By the time I realize it was already too late, I can only surrender.
At the beginning, I had a sudden headache, the next moment I cannot walk anymore. It was so painful that I trashed around on the bed, grabbing my head tightly. The pain did not disappear, saliva trickles down my mouth, and desperately I cringes my body, waiting for the headache to subside.
Just like this I endure for some time, until I realize the pain did not lessen, the thought of giving up emerges while in agony. Soon after, that thought spread out through my consciousness. ‘Will I die here – probably so’, I thought.
Thinking death was already set in stone I got lost in thought, until I suddenly remembered hearing cases of sudden death that appeared in news. ‘Ah, this time it’s my turn?’ I had such thought in me.
‘It’s not like I have a girlfriend. My brothers are much more excellent than me, salaries are high, so there is nothing for me to worry about.’
‘With these reliable brothers around, there is no need to worry about my parents’ well-beings when they are old.’
‘The company which employed me since last year should be the same, even if someone useless such as me who went to work for only two years is gone, on the morning the day when the news about my death is announce , it will only cause a minor confusion and everyone will revert back to normal afterwards.’
I did not feel particularly empty.
After all, I am only a person with such a meager ability.
Now that I think about it, since when did I become such a person who gives up so easily?
After some thinking, some clues were found.
“- ah, oh, you’re talking about that guy? He’s really a fool, reading all those books like crazy. Yet, he still didn’t pass the exams. Whatever, it’s not like I’m on friendly terms with him, what he did is none of my business.”
Was it when I abandoned all sorts of friendship, trying my best in order to get into the university I desire yet failed and all the friendships I gained up to that point were lost?
“In the end, that guy can’t even be a good imitation. I thought that since he’s that guy’s brother, he can at least serve some purpose, but my expectation was for nothing. And I treated him nicely too…. he still has a younger brother, why not just go after him and see?”
Or was it when I found out during high school the girl that I dated was talking behind my back, saying how I was an inferior goods compare to my elder brother, an extra?
“Why can’t you be like your elder brother, he put in effort tirelessly and ended up working in a good company. With you being like this, you can only get into a third-rate company. If you keep fooling around like this, your future will also become third-rate, until the day you die it will still be the same. Why, when both of your brothers are so serious, why only you alone….”
Or maybe it was when I cannot find the goal of my life, becomes unmotivated while working in a small company yet my elder brother live up to expectations by entering a well-known company, causing me to begin to harbor hatred for my parents who compare me with him, and finally without a word, ran away from home?
Even though I said that, I have no attachment for that place.
No, the thought that I have even a shred of attachment is laughable.
Never accomplish anything. Could not left behind anything that can be called a memory, cannot even show the value of living, cannot even be a good counterfeit. Until the very end, even my presence was not even recognized.
After reviewing my whole life, the only way I can protect myself is by giving up. I can only give up; only by giving up can I survive. The only thing I am good at is giving up.
Besides that, I have nothing; even the will to strive is buried under the word ‘surrender’.
Even at this moment, I plan to surrender. After living a life of degradation, the result is only becoming one of the people classified under ‘case of sudden death’ in the everyday society. This country has much of this kind of people.
Yes, one of the billions of people living in this world disappears, that’s all.
When I found out that even in my final moment, I cannot muster an ounce of desire to live, thinking ‘Ah, I fail again as expected’ and giving up on living, that instant my head was so painful that it felt like it was cracked open, finally ‘I’ gave up on living.